 Grief
and Loss
Living with the Death of a Partner
In our society, we are well-practiced at supporting people through
the first days following a death. Support may include attending
funeral rituals, the increased presence of family and friends, and
community empathy; (neighbors may make meals, do yard work and care
for children).
Until people experience the death of a partner, they may not realize
that the grief can last many years. Although people may feel better
and go about daily life, they may revisit strong feelings of grief.
In the midst of what may be the most intense emotional experience
of a lifetime, grieving partners may also face:
Survivors may experience a sudden lack of identity socially because
they are not included in a world made up of couples. With the earning
power of one instead of two, they may have to forfeit their lifestyle.
They also may discover that the role of being a partner greatly
contributed to their sense of identity. The loss not only may include
the partner and the relationship, but also may include their sense
of self. Plans and dreams made as a couple may no longer fit or
be possible, so survivors may also lose their future plans. Juggling
these losses at the same time that they must take on roles and duties
that had been handled by their partner is a Herculean task. Adjusting
to life after losing a partner commonly produces:
-
feelings of sadness, despair, emptiness, anger and guilt (check
out our Depression
topic within Problems)
-
restlessness and sleep problems
-
a sense of inadequacy and concerns about health and well-being.
The everyday world usually stops for survivors at the time of death
of their partner; however, long before they are ready to resume
their responsibilities and schedules, surviving partners with children
at home or with work commitments experience pressure to get on (info
for grief at Mid-Life...)
with things. Surviving partners who are in retirement (...and also
for Later Life)
may experience the emptiness of unstructured days. More disturbing
for many than the push to resume activities is an emotional push
to let go, to move on, and to re-partner.
For those people who have lost a partner after a lengthy illness,
much of the grief may occur during the illness. They may experience
relief for the end of suffering or they may expect to feel relief
but find themselves unexpectedly feeling an enormous loss.
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